To understand why a BPD acts they way they do, we have to discard our way of thinking. We all have our own perspective on things. For those without a mental illness, we use logic and reasoning to figure things out. And so we assume that other people we come in contact with are logical and reasonable. You will never be able to understand the thoughts and actions of someone with BPD until you learn to look through their lens. And that lens is first and foremost, a fear of abandonment. It doesn’t matter if the abandonment is real or not. It’s simply the possibility that it exists and the fear that it invokes. Once you’ve learned to look at things through this lens, the BPD in your life will start to make sense. Some can live with this and maintain the relationship because they better understand the perspective and the behaviors are such that they can accept them and keep going. For others, understanding teh fear of abandonment might explain a lot, but it doesn’t help, and certainly doesn’t excuse, the unacceptable behaviors and so the relationship dissolves.
But to better understand the dynamics of the relationship and why things are as they are, you should always ask yourself how the issue at hand ultimately ties back to the fear of abandonment. It’s the lynchpin around which all the other traits and characteristics revolve.