Blog | The Fog has lifted

Two words that drive me crazy! (or at least they used to)

Fri, 26 Jun 2015 14:06:43 -0400

I have a new perspective based on something I recently read. I’ve always hated the term “soul mate” because I think it’s a trap and leads people to think that there’s only one person in the universe to whom they could be married. Further, it creates the “right person” myth that says if you just meet the right person, everything will turn out all right. Instead, I believe that by becoming the right person, you will naturally gravitate toward people who reflect your character, beliefs and values. To me, there were many people that I could marry, find compatability and a healthy, loving relationship. Likewise, my wife could have literally chosen from dozens and dozens of pontential relationships that would have led to a healthy and happy relationship. I’m not unique, I’m not her soul mate, I’m just glad she chose me. But one idea I’ve come to embrace is that, even though we were not “soul mates” at the beginning, now that we are married, something has changed. Now that we have committed to each other to love, help and support each other, we are now walking on a journey where we will become soul mates over time. We didn’t get married because we were soul mates, but because we’re married and committed to each other, we will become soul mates as we grow old together. So I don’t hate the term “soul mate” any longer, as long as it’s used to describe the ending and not the beginning.

Larry The Cable Guy

Thu, 18 Dec 2014 22:15:33 -0500

I consistently read posts by those in a relationship with a BPD that they are in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) about ending the relationship. Reasons often cited include children, financial issues, wedding vows, suicide threats and fear that no one else will help the BPD. The list goes on and on.

Many of us realize these reasons are put forward by the BPD as a means of control. We want to leave the relationship but we just can't seem to do it because we fall into one of the 3 categories of FOG. And so we continue to slide down into the abyss and we feel stuck and helpless.

The irony, I believe, is that we put tremendous pressure on ourselves because we don't want to be the bad person who ends the relationship. But what if we turned it around? What if we looked at things from a slightly different angle? I would argue that it's the BPD that has chosen to leave the relationship. They have made choices through their behavior. We are just carrying out the ramifications of those decisions if we decide to leave.

The Deep End Of The Pool

Thu, 18 Dec 2014 22:13:40 -0500

When I was a kid, I went through life guard training. An ironic lesson was taught to me that I had trouble understanding until I witnessed it in person and then it made sense. Before that, I believed it was rational to think a drowning victim wanted to be saved. When the lifeguard swam to them, they would be relieved and would calm down and comply with what you told them to do so you could bring them to safety.

But that's often not the case. In fact, we were taught to approach a drowning person carefully and be prepared to physically manhandle them. Further, we were taught how to kick them, punch them, turn them around and other tricks designed to free ourselves from their grasp.

The reason for this is a drowning person is in a state of panic. If you swim up to them in a casual manner, the person is likely to grab onto you and then will push you under in an effort to climb onto your shoulders. The panic is so overwhelming that, rather than give up so you can rescue them, they will fight you in an effort to prolong drowning. The risk is that both of you drown, the victim and the rescuer. The victim has simply prolonged their own death when they could have been saved. The only difference is that you, the rescuer, are now dead. And until I saw this in action, it was not intuitive. But now that I understand it, it makes sense. Fear and panic overwhelm any sense of reason when you're about to drown.

Ebony and Ivory Live Together In Perfect Harmony

Fri, 31 Oct 2014 09:06:24 -0400

For most of us, the familiar refrain reminds us that the world is comprised of people from diverse backgrounds and that we should all try to live in harmony with each other. But what happens when you alone are told how diverse you are? Are you a good person one minute and a bad person the next? Congratulations! You’ve just been split! You see, it’s either all or nothing with someone with BPD. Either you’re the good person who can do no wrong, or you’re the bad person who can do nothing right. It’s not based on your behavior. It’s based on the BPD’s feelings about your behavior. Mature adults can understand that no one is perfect. Good people sometimes have bad or annoying habits. And even the most wretched of our society may have a good trait or two. Our personality and character is made up of our collective good and bad traits. We all want our good traits to overwhelm our bad ones but we acknowledge we have areas to work on. But with a BPD person, those traits can’t coexist. It’s simplistic in the eyes of the BPD person. You did something that makes me feel safe and that you won’t abandon me: hooray!, you’re a good guy! I didn’t like that expression on your face: Uh-oh! I knew you were a terrible person and it was just a matter of time before you left me!

Oh, I’m Sorry. Were You Asleep?

Fri, 31 Oct 2014 09:06:02 -0400

If I could just get to bed 30 minutes before she comes upstairs. That was my thinking because I wanted desperately to get settled and get into a deep sleep as soon as possible before it began. But eventually, the lights coming on, the loud banging noises in the closet, the gentle nudging…..are you awake? Why, oh why, must these conversations occur in the middle of the night? Don’t you know I have to get up in a few hours and try to work? I’m exhausted! And yet, there seems to be no remorse in waking you night after night to discuss the topic, in all likelihood, you discussed the night before…and the night before that…and the night before that…well, you get the picture.

Your mind doesn’t work like a BPD mind. For you, it can wait. You can have a discussion at a pre-arranged time or when it’s convenient. But when a BPD mind starts to churn (and it seems to churn a lot late in the evenings), the the conversation needs to happen….right now! Wait? There’s no time to wait! And so the BPD person thinks nothing of disrupting your sleep and baiting you into a discussion whenever the urge strikes. This can also occur at other times. Have you experienced this? The phone rings but you can’t answer it right now because you’re in a meeting. So you silence the phone. Only 30 seconds later, it rings again. Then it rings again and again and again. At some point after about 20 rings you finally step out of the meeting to call and make sure there’s not an emergency. You know there’s not but out of caution you check just the same because you’re a responsible person. What you find is someone on the line who wants to discuss an urgent matter with you..right now! Of course it’s not urgent and it could certainly wait…but not in the world of BPD. It’s because the intensity of the emotion is so strong…right now! To postpone and catch up later might mean the intensity has passed and that just isn’t the same as having a discussion at the very height of the emotional cycle.

So I Can Feel Something

Fri, 31 Oct 2014 09:04:35 -0400

If you don’t suffer from a mental illness, it’s really hard to wrap your head around this. It just doesn’t seem to make sense. But as was explained to me, it makes perfect sense to a BPD. The person is numb. They don’t feel anything, or sometimes the pain is unbearable in their mind. And so they transfer the pain to the physical. And either it awakens them from their dullness or it transfers the pain from the mind to the body. Either way, it makes them feel better.

After several months of slipping into a deep depression, I walked by her in the kitchen alcove one day sitting at a desk. The long sleeves of the robe (at 5 o’clock in the evening) rode up her arms. And there is could see it. Later I would weirdly throw out the phrase: she’s a cutter. The lines were sharp and still wet with blood. Too many to count. All on the underside of the forearm, from the wrist to the elbow. Both arms. It was in that shocking moment that I realized there was more to this than I could fully comprehend. Why would someone do this to themselves?

Only for a Moment and the Moment’s Gone

Fri, 31 Oct 2014 09:03:04 -0400

Finally! We finally had the conversation where the light bulb went off! It was the “aha” moment. I’m so relieved because I finally got my point across. They now see what I see. They acknowledge it and they seem to understand it and they promise to do something about it. The relief is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. Now we’re getting somewhere. This has been a long and painful journey but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Acknowledging you have a problem is the first step in healing, right? Well now we’re on our way!

So you sleep like a baby and you’re so excited that tomorrow will be a new day, the first day, on the road to recovery. And then the bombshell. The breakthrough is no more. Everything that seemed so clear the night before has gone away. But last night didn’t you say? But no, you agreed with me last night that such and such was the case! How did you change your opinion so fast? So now you don’t think there’s anything wrong with you? You think i’m the one with these issues?

But I Can’t SEE You!

Fri, 31 Oct 2014 09:02:10 -0400

The best analogy for this BPD trait is the one to the side. The two year old toddler playing in front of the t.v. is assured that all is well because mom is right there with them folding the laundry while they play. But suddenly mom goes into the kitchen to check on dinner and the toddler looks around and doesn’t see mommy anymore. To them, mommy has gone and is never coming back. Suddenly the tears start to roll and the wailing commences. It’s only a matter of seconds before mommy hurries back into the room to comfort the child and to try and explain that she hadn’t left. She was just in the other room. She was right there all the time. But the child couldn’t understand that being in the next room was not abandonment. Because they couldn’t see mommy, mommy was no longer there.

Out of sight, out of mind? For a BPD person, this takes on a whole new meaning. Insecurities, infidelities, all sorts of emotions and actions crop up when the love interest in their life is out of sight. It could be as severe as the BPD person who wants their spouse with them every minute of the day. Or it could be the person who’s fine until the spouse goes away on a business trip or to visit family. Or what about the soldier who bravely goes away to fight and protect us only to find out that chaos has arrived on the home front upon their return.

It’s Time to Get Down to The Heart of the Matter

Fri, 31 Oct 2014 09:01:44 -0400

To understand why a BPD acts they way they do, we have to discard our way of thinking. We all have our own perspective on things. For those without a mental illness, we use logic and reasoning to figure things out. And so we assume that other people we come in contact with are logical and reasonable. You will never be able to understand the thoughts and actions of someone with BPD until you learn to look through their lens. And that lens is first and foremost, a fear of abandonment. It doesn’t matter if the abandonment is real or not. It’s simply the possibility that it exists and the fear that it invokes. Once you’ve learned to look at things through this lens, the BPD in your life will start to make sense. Some can live with this and maintain the relationship because they better understand the perspective and the behaviors are such that they can accept them and keep going. For others, understanding teh fear of abandonment might explain a lot, but it doesn’t help, and certainly doesn’t excuse, the unacceptable behaviors and so the relationship dissolves.

Baby, Now That I’ve Found You I Won’t Let You Go

Fri, 31 Oct 2014 09:01:02 -0400

To finish the lyrcis of this Allison Krauss song…I build my world around you, I need you so, baby even though, you don’t need me, you don’t need me, no, no….

While I’ve always liked this song, I tend to listen more carefully to the lyrics these days. If you’re in a regular relationship, these lyrics don’t seem that alarming. But if you’re in a relationship with a BPD, the alarm bells are going off like crazy right now.

For most of us, we enjoy being around the people we love but we enjoy our alone time as well or enjoy being around other people. Clinginess is not a virtue. Quite frankly, it’s just the opposite. It’s a yucky trait that drives us insane. Will you please jsut leave me along and give me a little space? But for the BPD, enmeshment is an important part of the relationship. It signifies attachment on the deepest of levels. More than attachment, it involves intertwining one life with another such that undoing the relationship would be virtually impossible. Because of the fear of abandonment, intertwining the relationship reduces this fear. Going to it’s extreme, emeshment is the strongest form of dependence one could have. And as Scott Peck says in The Road Less Traveled, “Dependence upon another is not love. To be dependent upon another being is to be a parasite on that being.” And that’s why it feels so icky and unattractive to us. But the BPD couldn’t care less. Because it’s not about your feelings, it’s about theirs. And their fears out trump your needs every single time.

Merry Go Rounds Never Travel Very Far

Fri, 31 Oct 2014 09:00:32 -0400

Do you have the same conversations over and over and over again? Do you settle a topic only to have it brought up later? Sometimes much, much later? Life with a BPD person means that nothing is ever settled. Moving on past a subject is only permitted if they choose to let it be settled. Otherwise, topics that were discussed ad nauseum and finally put to rest (or at least you thought they were) are subject to be reopened at any time and for any purpose. And of course we often take the bait and continue to let settled issues be reopened.

I was astounded at two traits when I was in a BPD relationship that seemed very contradictory. One was the ability to rewrite history totally different than it actually happened. The other was to never forget even the smallest detail of something I’d done wrong. Reconciling these two apparent contradictions was the bane of my existence. But eventually I came to realize that these two paradoxes could co-exist quite nicely in a BPD world. Quite frankly, history could be re-written the way it was supposed to be based upon changing and shifting feelings and emotions and every comment I had ever made was subject to be used against me at any time and for any reason. It’s completely logical if you really think about it.

My Two Favorite Adverbs

Fri, 31 Oct 2014 08:59:41 -0400

If you want a good litmus test to give you a warning sign on potential personality disorders lurking beneath, listen carefully (over time) for these two highly-used adverbs: always and never. Do you hear them a lot? Do you notice that, while we all use them from time to time (notice my slip?), most people tend to catch themselves and correct for such extreme comparisons. Not so with the BPD. The use of these adverbs is proficient and often. I’ve lost track of how many times I was told that I ALWAYS do this or I NEVER do that…and the risk is that you eventually believe them. This sort of extreme thinking is a classic sign of a personality disorder….so maybe we should listen a little more carefully and watch out for those adverbs!

Hey, Where Did Everybody Go?

Fri, 31 Oct 2014 08:59:22 -0400

Did you look up one day and realize that most of the relationships in your life were just a shadow of what they used to be? Have you reduced contact with family members and old friends? Are you having trouble remembering the last guy/girl’s night out? Alienation is very real and is intentional. You see, if you only have a relationship with the BPD in your life and your other relationships are shells of their former selves, then you will be less likely to leave. Healthy outside relationships are dangerous because it’s an avenue of escape. And we just can’t have that now, can we?

I was alienated from my family in subtle ways. I was told that my parents said mean and hurtful things and didn’t think my BPD spouse was doing a very good job with the kids. I was fed this over and over and, for some unknown reason, I believed it. And, trying to be a good husband, I chose my wife’s side. If my parents couldn;t respect her, then our relationship could not be as it was. Of course I found out later that much of it was simply fabricated and that it was mostly projection of her feelings onto them. Sorry mom and dad.

Projection TV

Sun, 26 Oct 2014 15:11:08 -0400

I didn’t know it, but apparently I had anger issues. It really bothered me too. AFter all, who wants to be thought of as an angry person. We were in the process of separating and we were discussing what was wrong with the relatiosnhip and I was told that I had these anger issues and I needed help. To be honest, I didn’t see it but if it was there, I wanted to root it out and address it. I had recently started seeing a counselor and so I brought it up to him. I guess he didnlt know me very well because he seemed surprised. So I asked my business partner. He sees me every day and so if anyone would see it, he would. But when I told him, he laughed. He then said I was one of the least angry persons he had ever met. On the contrary, he didn’t think I was angry enough! After I thought about it for a while, I realized I couldn;t come up with any real examples that would support this accusation. Now I did have plenty of times where I was frustrated and exasperated at my BPD partner’s behaviors. But there’s a difference between frustration and anger, isn’t there? Well not to a BPD. What I witnessed, or what I think I witnessed, was just one example, of many, of projection. Taking one’s own issues and projecting them onto someone else. After one very long night of no sleep because I was woken up constantly to “discuss” the relationship, I finally broke down and said I couldn;t take any more of this and that it was embarrassing for me to say that I felt abused. To which I was immediately met by the retort that she felt abused by me. Projection is simply taking all the negative traits a BPD has and throwing them onto their partner as if their partner is wearing a velcro suit. Perhaps if they just sling it onto you, it’ll stick and they can walk away from it and disown their bad habits and behaviors. And so we, as partners, get accused of all sorts of bad behaviors and traits and we we struggle and struggle to understand why we are being told these things. But yet again, we make the mistake of thinking that we are part of the equation. How silly of us! It’s all about the BPD partner’s need to feel better about themselves. Projecting their bad behavior onto someone else is a cleasning process. We mistakingly think it’s about us and our role in the relationship when, in fact, we’re just the closest piece of velcro they could find.

Really you shouldn’t have!

Sun, 26 Oct 2014 15:10:31 -0400

I should have know better. All the signs were right there in front of me. When I first started dating my BPD partner, I started receiving elaborate and over the top gifts very early into the relationship. It wasn’t just the monetary value, it was the thought and effort that went into all of these unique gifts. How much time must she have spent on all of this? I remember our first Christmas together where she had coordinated with the rest of her family to present me with individual pieces of items that made up a collection. I was shocked and awed by the thoughtfulness and generosity. I didn’t know what to say. Of course now, I see it for what it is; the absolute, all consuming adoration given to the new love interest in an attempt to cement the relationship as soon as possible. I’ve heard my story a thousand times over. They were so nice at first. They adored me and gave me such nice gifts. They were so thoughtful and kind. I didn’t knwo how to respond. I was just blown away by their generosity and affection. And therein lay the fisrt warning sign. And we all missed it. A discerning individual would have been cautious and careful. But we bought it hook, line and sinker. Boy, did we ever.

Why can’t we agree on the facts?

Mon, 20 Oct 2014 08:34:25 -0400

If you’ve ever been involved in a relationship with a BPD, you may find yourself in a recurring situation where you disagree on historical facts. This is an important issue because, in order to have a relationship based on trust and commitment, there must be a common denominator that both people view reality from the same vantage point. That’s not to say people don’t remember things differently. Details often vary from one person’s recollection to another. But do you often find that your BPD partner has a completely different memory of the facts than you? Does it leave you a little uncertain and befuddled that you can’t understand why the two of you are so far apart on the basic facts? And if you can’t agree with the basic facts, how in the world are you going to agree on the path forward in the relationship? While you might not be entirely accurate on the specifics, you’re probably closer to the truth in general than your BPD partner. That’s because, assuming a rationale person, the facts are the facts. Fatcs set the foundation. How you respond to the facts and how you feel about them are therefore the area of focus. You can analyze behaviors and outcomes as they relate to the basic facts. But facts are inviolable, they simply exist. Not to the BPD partner. For them, feelings and emotions are hwat matters. Those become the foundation against which other components are measured. Consequently, if a BPD’s feelings and emotions don’t match the facts, there’s a simply remedy; change the facts. Rather than evaluate their emotions and behaviors in a mature fashion (by examing them against a set of hard facts), their emotions rule and their feelings are inviolable. Consequently, they will alter the facts (and honestly believe their version of history) to support their feelings. To do otherwise would be to condemn their own feelings and emotions and that is just not possible. Their poor self-esteem won’t let them have a true examination of their behaviors, especially if they are out of line with what normal beahvior would be given the facts. So rather than address their bad behavior or over reaction to a set of circumstances, they simply alter the facts to fit their narrative. Presto! Problem solved. In some cases, these might just be slight tweaks and adjustments to the basic facts. But in some cases, their version of history is so completely different from yours, it makes you wonder if the two of you were actually recalling the same event. Instead of questioning your or their memory, understand this for what it is….by rewriting the facts, they can justify the feelings, emotions and behaviors they have exhibited. It’s a coping mechanism and a way for the BPD partner to feel good about themselves because, in light of their version of the facts, their feelings and behaviors were completely appropriate.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall

Sun, 19 Oct 2014 07:54:43 -0400

I recently read a post on a forum that described what is commonly referred to as mirroring. The persons described how, when they first met their partner, they were sure the person was the right one for them because they had so much in common. Their partner liked the same things they liked: food, music, activities, political leanings, etc. It just seemed so perfect because you found the person with whom you were completely compatible. But for people with a personality disorder, this is not a reflection of who they really are. Rather, the act of mirroring is an attempt to gain acceptance and safety in a relationship. If the person is as close to you as possible, likes the things that you like, then the likelihood will increase that you will accept that person and not reject or bandon that person. it’s the very crux of BPD. Fear of abandonment trumps everything. The person with BPD has a deeply flawed sense of self. The lack of self-esteem makes them feel unloveable and unworthy. If they were to expose their try nature, you, nor anybody, would love them or accept them. By mirroring, the person with BPD believes they can avoid rejection and abandonment by becoming whoever they need to be to be acceptable. I believe these behaviors are sincere in that they believe they can be the person you want them to be…and they can, at least for a period of time. But eventually, the facade begins to crumble and the true self comes to the forefront. When this happens, the person with BPD is exposed and the partner in the relationship is befuddled and confused. This often happens immediately after the relationship is sealed (throught marriage, the birth of children, etc) while sometimes it happens much later. But eventually it happens because no one can continue with the facade forever. So if you BPD partner seems to be so compatible with you in the early stages, they are! But in understanding mirroing and the reasons behind it, we can see the true intentions of the BPD partner.